“Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can be only forgiven, not forgotten.”
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I’m all for communication, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be a tricky balance between being raw and relatable. We need to have enough emotion to connect, but not so much it hijacks the sentiment. Here are the top 5 pitfalls I regularly see, and the tips to overcome them.
1. Too much (unfiltered) raw emotion
One time a lady asked me to read her (life) letter. She was wanting to give or leave it for her family. It began, “I am SO DISAPPOINTED!”
I asked her, “Maree, what do you want them to do with this information?” She explained that her kids are disconnected, none of them visit, and life has not turned out as she expected.
Ultimately, you have to keep the end in mind. If your intention is to reunite a family, then it is more helpful to explain your hopes and fears rather than vent them. (Frankly, this is why Postscript facilitators exist).
2. Too long and verbose
I have a friend who works for a funeral parlour. She commented that she always knows when someone writes their own eulogy as it goes on and on and on. Left to your own devices, it can be tricky to delete. It’s like sifting through your wardrobe when every item has special meaning.
I was presenting at a conference and a lady in her 60s came up to me. “I have a memoir that I’ve been working on,” she said, “it is currently 45 pages. Do you think they will read it?”
The short answer is no. Most won’t. Research shows that the average concentration span of an adult is just 8 seconds. While it is tempting to include a complete volume of your life so far, if your intention is to connect, you have to keep your words snackable so they’re repeatable. There’s a knack to this. (That’s where a Postscript professional can assist).
3. Too superficial
Sometimes when we set the intention to write something important, like a comment on our life so far, capturing the emotion in a moment, or a declaration of who we intend to be in our relationship going forward, the enormity of the task feels daunting. Crippled by overwhelm, we resort to sentiment reminiscent of a Hallmark card, as a feeble means of expressing our tender thoughts. If you read your words back and cringe, then you’re borrowing someone else’s voice. So how can a facilitator capture your words when you can’t?
At Postscript, our writers are trained to ask the right questions to have you express your ideas (sometimes for the first time out loud). The process is enjoyable and a little indulgent. Most people don’t take the time to listen and the sheer act of exploring an idea in depth is a pleasant, cathartic experience. Positive autobiographical memory is linked to wellbeing. The cool thing about doing this with a trained professional is that open loops can be noted, explored and reframed in the process.
4. Too close
You know the saying, “can’t see the wood for the trees?” Well the truth is that when we come to our own story, we can gloss over the powerful moments that have defined us. With guided permission, a writing facilitator is able to gently capture and articulate those moments so that they can be better appreciated by yourself and your reader. Share honestly. Those vulnerable moments are your most beautiful and the secret that helps you connect.
5. Too hard
Writing about yourself does not come easily to everyone. Sometimes we simply can’t find the words that we are looking for to express how we feel. You may have grown up in a family that did not express emotion very well – it was either tense and dramatic or ignored and dismissed. You may have excellent technical writing skills, but when it comes to your own feelings, it can be tricky to express them. So we procrastinate or give up.
“Just pull the emotion from me,” Ross begged. He had the desire to connect but not the confidence to do so. By asking him several questions, we were able to get to the heart of the matter and capture the words that expressed exactly how he felt and how he intended to show up in his relationship for the next 40 years. This work is delicate and important. You don’t have to battle it alone.
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